‘The Bachelor’ spotlight: Alexis Waters and the great dolphin (trainer) tale!
“Bachelor” fans, rejoice! Get out your wine, open up your Twitter, and prepare for a season full of snark — and some romance. Before we get into this article, our first of our month-long spotlight series, let’s start by saying that we wish all of the ladies well and that they actually find love, whether it be with Nick Viall or elsewhere. (It’s probably gonna be elsewhere — let’s be real.)
Now … let’s remind you that this show is ridiculous, and we’re about to spend a good 400 or so words making a series of increasingly silly dolphin and/or nautical puns to discuss Alexis Waters — she’s an “aspiring dolphin trainer” (most out-there job description of the season) and HER LAST NAME IS WATERS. This was written in the stars! (Or, was it written in the current of the sea?) We’re sure that she has many other wonderful qualities beyond just her job, but ABC doesn’t give us a whole lot else to go off on and we don’t want to do too much digging with most of these because SPOILERS. It’s more fun to create these from within a bubble, one that was likely created in the water by — you guessed it — a dolphin.
We should give credit Reality Steve before we go any further for pinpointing Alexis’ last name, and also blame to ABC for not releasing said last names in the cast almost like being on a show is a scarlet letter and they’re saving them from eons of future embarrassment. And you think people won’t figure it out! They underestimate the collective boredom of ALL OF US.
Anyhow, let’s move on, and pretend like this is not going to go completely off the rails.
Age – 23. Recurring theme — most of the women this season are significantly younger than Nick. Did you seriously think that casting was going to change that just because their lead is eight years older than Ben Higgins?
Occupation – How is aspiring for something an occupation? If that’s the case, can we be “aspiring billionaire” and achieve the same thing? How about “aspiring guy who can eat a large New York pizza and not gain any weight”? Maybe this is her dream and we hope she gets it, but there’s a 100% probability that the show’s setting her up for a fall with this. They are “aspiring s–t-starters” through and through.
Location – Secaucus, New Jersey. It’s less than ten miles from Manhattan. Also, you can’t spell Secaucus without SEA!
Things to know – She lists Good Will Hunting, Titanic, and Tristan and Isolde as her favorite movies. What, no Dolphin Tale? Couldn’t she have at least considered Free Willy, or is that sacrilege because killer whales eat dolphins? She also says that her most embarrassing moment is “my ex-boyfriend telling me I had a mustache at a Giants game,” and if that’s her most embarrassing moment we have at least 35 of them that are worse.
She also says if she could be any fictional character, she’d be a mermaid, which is the wrong answer because A MERMAID IS NOT A DOLPHIN.
How is she actually going to do? – If her time on the show is as superficial as her bio, terribly. Maybe ABC just didn’t show any of her good answers to us — though they did ask her to describe herself as a lover, which may be the creepiest thing that’s ever been asked in ABC bio history. There’s almost nothing here of note to go on other than that we really hope we haven’t missed out on any good dolphin jokes on here.
In all seriousness, maybe she’ll make it past the first night. We just don’t see anything in her responses online that suggests that she’s anywhere near ready to be engaged. Maybe she thinks of this as a chance to be on TV and have a good time, which it probably is when there aren’t cameras and people crying around.
Do you think Alexis is going to do well this season, or will she be back home watching tearful reruns of “Flipper” in a matter of days? Share below, and be sure to head over here to get some other entries in our “Bachelor” spotlight series. (Photo: ABC.)