It’s really a bummer to us that one of the coolest alliance names in “Survivor” history is being spent on an alliance that is probably not going anywhere. It’s the Triforce! “The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time” is probably one of our favorite video games of all time, and we’d like to think that there is a Link or a Zelda among the three. We’re not even sure that there’s a Ganondorf. As of right now, it looks more like Jay, Figgy, and Taylor are some of the baddies that you fight in the Water Temple (admittedly the most frustrating of the temples) on the way to the final boss.
Okay, we’re being a little facetious here — given them ambiguous identities would be a total cop-out. Instead, we’re not only ranking the entire Millennial tribe right now, we’re also going to be assigning every person in the tribe “Legend of Zelda” alter-egos just for the heck of it. We’re probably alienating about 80% of our readership in doing so; if you’re one of these, don’t worry: We’ll get back to doing these normally the rest of the season.
10. Jessica “Figgy” Figueroa – Queen Gohma. She’s basically the first boss you conquer on your way to making it to the end of the game. She’s feisty, but at the same time fairly beatable. In the game, Figgy’s put herself in a position where she is in an obvious alliance, and she’s the most threatening in that she seems to have the most game and is probably the least effective in the challenges. Triforce member #1.
9. Justin “Jay” Starrett – Jay is Ingo, the farm-hand from Lon Lon Ranch (and other places) who you race as the hero Link, among a variety of other things. He’s a thorn in your side, and in Jay’s case, we do think that he’s got some game-savvy. That is why he could be a target over someone like Taylor, who we’ll be getting too later. Triforce member #2.
8. Michelle Schubert – Right now, we’re going to classify Hannah as Malon, the farm girl who forges a bond with Link over the course of the entire season. You get the sense that she’s meant for more than the life on the farm, and in Michelle’s case she’s potentially meant for more than being a part of a really obvious alliance that will likely be picked off. She will win people over, but will she be around until the end?
7. Taylor Lee Stocker – Okay, so he technically doesn’t appear in a Zelda game until “Majora’s Mask,” but Taylor is definitely Tingle, the goofy map-maker who turns up frequently and imagines himself a fairy. Nobody takes him seriously, and he ends up sticking around a lot longer than you would imagine.
6. Hannah Shapiro – She’s the Master Sword — and yes, it’s odd to compare a person to an inanimate object. Yet, it’ll make sense when you see who is our Link later in this article. If the right person picks her up, she’s incredibly valuable and can be a great asset. She’s also likely last a lot longer than many of the other characters do in the story.
5. Will Wahl – Right now, Will is the Great Deku Tree — which we just find hilarious because he’s the youngest person in the game. He’s fairly stoic, a source of wisdom, and he holds some value — though not everyone out there knows it just yet.
4. Michaela Bradshaw – Michaela for now is one of the Great Fairies, someone with tremendous power and ability, but also someone relatively hidden. It requires some skill to figure out who to get them to bestow their powers upon you. Basically, what we’re trying to say here is that Michaela didn’t get a lot of air time in the premiere and there wasn’t a good comparison to make.
3. Adam Klein – He was our pre-show pick to win, and right now we’re calling him through the lens of the story the Sheik. People may think of him superficially as this relatively-sweet guy who’s there to help the tribe, and that is a part of his personality much as it was for Princess Zelda; however, he’s got another side who is there to play the game by any means necessarily. It’s his alter-ego that is not revealed until late in the story.
2. Zeke Smith – Zeke is the Skull Kid. He’s mischievous, feisty, and he operates under a veil of mystery. He’s different from all of the others, and if you leave him around for too long he becomes incredibly powerful. Just look at the dude in “Majora’s Mask.”
1. Mari Takahashi – As of right now, she’s gotta be Link. She’s the one who is making the big moves, and understands that there is an alliance of three (and maybe four including Michelle) out there. She’s ready to unify the forces against them, and has a way to do it that is methodical. Even with the way the story was portrayed last week, Mari was the person who really was presented to us as the hero and the likable underdog.
For those wondering, Ganondorf’s probably on the other tribe. Maybe it’s Chris? We’re not doing Zelda characters for them since there’s a zero percent chance anyone would get them. Those rankings will be up tomorrow.
Anyway, if you love / hate these comparisons or have anything to add, let us know in the comments! Also, head over here to get some other “Survivor” news, or sign up over here to score some other TV news on all we cover via our CarterMatt Newsletter. (Photo: CBS.)