Yesterday, we ranked the various members of the Millennial tribe on “Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X,” and we did so in a way that was most likely really great for about 5% of our reading audience and completely nonsensical for the other 95%. There was just something about comparing the Millennials to “Legend of Zelda” characters that really spoke to us — blame the Triforce alliance name for that since otherwise comparing CBS shows to classic Nintendo games is not something we do on the regular.
Since we don’t want the Gen X folks to feel left out on the fun / nonsense / possibly both, we’re doing something different here in handing out participation trophies! Why? Apparently they never had them, and maybe they’re all a little grouchy over it. We’re here to make people happy — though we figure that a few of these said people are pretty likely to throw said participation trophy in our face after reading this. We’re styling this somewhat after “The Dundies,” one of our favorite episodes of “The Office,” but you don’t need to be familiar with that show to put up what we’re puttin’ down here.
9. David Wright – The John Cochran Memorial Award for Excess Panicking. Remember back to the early days of “Survivor: South Pacific,” where Cochran was not a winner or even a particularly good player. He was just incredibly neurotic and refused to take off his shirt. It’s a near-miracle he survived that first tribal council. From his laundry list of fears to constant immunity idol paranoia, David should thank his lucky stars that he’s still there.
8. CeCe Taylor – The Medallion of ‘How the [Bleep] Did That Happen?’. Remember the Medallion of Power? That was back during “Survivor: Nicaragua,” and we still wonder how the [bleep] someone didn’t pick up that this was a terrible twist for the game. Now, we award CeCe an award named in part for that because we still don’t know how the [bleep] she got votes cast against her, even with a vote-split. What the [bleep] did she do? What the [bleep] did she not do? Was it too hard to give us 30 [bleeping] seconds on this in the premiere so we’d understand it better?
7. Sunday Burquest – The Wednesday Adams Award for Having a Name That Probably Gets Confusing on That Given Day. We almost gave her the Congrats, You’re Getting a Lot of Votes Award because Sunday’s an easy person to throw votes on, as we say Rachel do, just because she falls into the archetype of the sort of player who can be voted out early. With that said, she could be getting an actual trophy (or at least a spot in the final three) if she makes it to the merge.
6. Ken McNickle – The One of These Things Is Not Like The Others Award. Why in the world is Ken on this tribe? He feels a little bit more like a character in a romantic comedy than an actual person — and certainly no Gen X member given that the guy spent years off the grid. The best thing Ken can do is chill, do well in challenges, and cross his fingers for a tribe swap to find some people who are more like-minded.
5. Lucy Huang – Purple Kelly. To quote Jeff Probst, we got nothing for ya … for now. Even Purple Kelly eventually got something. (If this participation trophy is called Purple Kelly, does this mean that it is actually invisible?)
4. Paul Wachter – The Trying to Be Tarzan Award for Trying to Be Tarzan. We don’t know how we missed this before now, since Paul’s got way more in common with that guy than either Phillip or Coach in our mind. The funny thing about all three of these guys, though, is that they all made it so much further in their seasons than you would have ever guessed.
3. Bret LaBelle – The Ttrophy Where you Take a “t” from “Ttrophy and Add it To Your First Name. It’s TWO t’s Bret! Not one! Anyhow, kudos to Bret for seemingly having a good alliance and being really likable in the game so far. There’s no reason to imagine that he’s in danger anytime soon unless he proves incredibly inflexible in the game down the road.
2. Jessica Lewis – The Doing One Thing and One Thing Only Like Russell Hantz Award. Russell was great at finding idols. Jessica found that Legacy Advantage really quickly, and proved herself to be very perceptive about the environment around her. That bodes well for her potentially finding an idol later! As the title for this said award indicates, this may be the only thing she nor or ever has in common with Russell … which may be good if she wants to win the game in the end.
1. Chris Hammons – The Andrew Savage Trophy For ‘You’re Great Now, but Wait Four Episodes.’ There are few people who are better people for the pre-game than Andrew Savage. He was a challenge contender, a leader, and he forced his tribes to stay unified through adversity. Unfortunately, he also had an ego the size of the sun and was easy pickings after the merge. Congrats, Chris! You’re that guy! We’re only ranking him #1 because the odds of him being voted out right now are so astronomically slim for the next few weeks.
Hopefully, you enjoyed this little awards ceremony! Now none of these Gen Xers can ever complain about being shafted in the participation trophy department.
Who’s your favorite on Gen X? Share below, and head over here to get some other TV news on everything we cover via our official CarterMatt Newsletter. (Photo: CBS.)