‘The Bachelorette’ premiere review: Jake Pavelka crashes JoJo Fletcher’s first night (a.k.a. the Jordan Rodgers show)

JoJo -Tonight, “The Bachelorette” premiered with two hours of utter nonsense, reminding us of a few simple things. First and foremost, we enjoy this show despite everything within us telling us it’s a dumpster fire … and it really is. We had in here the show bringing back former Bachelorettes for an utterly useless segment, a guy in Nick for some reason showing up as Santa Claus, and someone named Daniel who basically spent half of the episode taking his clothes off and getting into the pool.

There were a few standouts for positive reasons on the night. Take, for one, firefighter Grant, who women are probably looking up now to see if he was a part of any calendar at any point. Meanwhile, you’ve got Marine Alex, who is already subjected to some terrible height jokes, and also Ali, one of the few guys preseason who was an utter mystery to us. We like that there’s someone Iranian on the show! It’s too bad that he probably only has a few episodes in him judging from the show’s history with diversity.

Also, Luke Pell. Luke’s the man. He’s a country guy, a veteran, and an all-around sweetheart who rode in on a unicorn. If this guy makes it a good four or five episodes, we feel fairly confident that he is going to get an offer to be the Bachelor … provided he doesn’t win.

Speaking of people who are going to win the show, can we seriously just stop the show right now and let Jordan Rodgers have it already? Think about the fact that his casting was announced before JoJo was even proclaimed the Bachelorette this season. She had a chance to clearly do some research on him before the season, and he’s got an advantage because of that. They also have an instant connection, so we have a feeling he’ll be the frontrunner basically the rest of the season. It probably doesn’t hurt that his brother is Aaron Rodgers.

So, wouldn’t you know it, Jordan got the First Impression Rose! Why would he? Not even All 4 One could help our boy Wells! We will probably be a Wells supporter all season, just because he feels incredibly normal other than hanging with All 4 One.

So what could make this night even weirder? How about a much-hyped appearance from a special guest who really turned out to be nothing other than fluff? We’re off course talking here about Jake Pavelka showing up FOR NO APPARENT REASON. Apparently, he’s “almost like a brother” to JoJo, making us think that everyone apparently knows everyone in Dallas, which isn’t true because we lived here!

As for the first Rose Ceremony, there are no huge shockers here other than Jonathan and his kilt going home! Then again, he made the wrong comment as a first impression. Another pseudo-surprise: She kept Daniel despite him jumping in the pool! What an odd night, and what an odd / probably predictable season this will be. Grade: C+, and we’re probably being nice.

it comes to “The Bachelorette”? Then be sure to head over here, since we’ll have a preview for the season and so much more coming up! Also, sign up over here to get some other TV news on all we cover, sent right over to you via our CarterMatt Newsletter. (Photo: ABC.)

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