‘The Bachelor’ review: Kevin Hart, Caila Quinn, ‘LB,’ Olivia Caridi’s adventures with Ben Higgins

Caila -Tonight’s new episode of “The Bachelor” is the first one to feature real dates … at least if you consider smelling people, high school, and hanging with a super-cheap Kevin Hart and Ice Cube to be dates. There was a lot of nonsense over the two hours, but who cares when you’re having fun? Well, let’s just hope that you are having more fun than someone like Lace, who had some serious anger-face going on throughout this episode.

We’ll be updating this review with more of the craziness as the night goes on. Prepare yourself!

Group Date – High School. The group date recipient is JoJo. Congrats to her! She had a nice moment at the afterparty with him getting to be on a rooftop that Ben called his “special place” … even though we’re pretty sure that he has never been there ever.

A few random notes from this group date:

1. There’s nothing more romantic than seeing people pretend like they’re back in high school … not.

2. Who scripted that Ben needs an apple that’s “red, like his heart”?

3. What, they couldn’t clear Lay’s chips or something.

4. Jennifer gets one of the first major kisses of the season, proving that he’s really not shying away from that too much. When Lace heard this, her face almost exploded.

5. What was left of Lace’s face exploded later when Jubilee stole Ben away at the afterparty.

One-On-One Date – Kevin Hart, Ice Cube, and Caila. This was strange, cheesy, and mildly funny. We’re not sure that it beats Jimmy Kimmel taking Chris Soules and Kaitlyn Bristowe to Costco, but it’s up there. The first part of it was spent doing of course some “Ride Along” publicity, which meant everyone running around in car with Kevin and Ice cracking some jokes. Most of this seemed obviously pre-planned, and who wants to bet that Kevin was actually wearing a Speedo in the hot tub only to get it obscured by Jillian’s leftover black bar?

The second part of it was far more romantic and, as a result of that, far more boring. Unless you are really into watching Caila tell the same story as the premiere and reference how “unlovable” he supposedly is. Yes, she got the rose … just as everyone does on the first date.

Group Date – Smell Test! This was weird, and also a bad decision by Ben giving Olivia the rose. Why do this? We’re sure people will bash him for this on “Bachelor Live” after Amanda told him about her kids at the afterparty. A few things to know:

1. If someone told us we smelled “sour” on TV, we’d go ahead and quit now. Poor Samantha.

2. The first part of the group date was a series of tests to determine compatibility. We had Olivia in first place (go figure), and Sam in last place. Olivia also makes a Charlie Sheen – “winning” reference, which makes us think that Olivia is actually a robot twin of Courtney Robertson from Ben Flajnik’s season.

3. For an episode 1 group date, this was kind of a snooze overall.

Cocktail party – More Olivia and Lace! Seriously, this is most of what we remember here. Other than Lauren B. getting a little time with him and Amanda making some things for her kids with him, there was almost nothing else of interest here. Sure, Amber played the “I’m worried because I got no time with him” role perfectly.

Rose Ceremony – A surprise! Specifically, that someone is the other Lauren B. a.k.a. LB, who decided she was done. Our guess is that he was going to send Amber home before she turned the rose down. Of the eliminated, we lost Sam! Also, Dentist Mandi! She didn’t live up to the night 1 billing.

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