‘The Bachelor’ spotlight: Astrid Loch and Nick Viall clone wars
Is one of the twists of this season of “The Bachelor” that Nick Viall is secretly dating the same woman thirty times? Granted, we’ve only spotlighted three of his contenders to date, but at the same time we’re starting to get a feeling that many of them may be one woman who has a collection of masks hidden in one of the closets at the Bachelor Mansion. (Is this woman worshiping the Many-Faced God from “Game of Thrones”? We hope not, since that means bad things for Nick!)
Anyhow, let’s try to spotlight Astrid Loch specifically in this article — though you can expect quite a few references to both Alexis and Angela, two women we’ve discussed at length over the past two days. Fun fact: We really tried to include some sort of Loch Ness Monster pun into the title, but we couldn’t quite make it work.
Age – 26.
Occupation – Plastic surgery office manager. Hey, we at least appreciate the fact that she was so specific about where she works! Makes things a lot less boring. Now, we wish there was a way that we could make some sort of joke about her secretly coming on the show to recruit Chris Harrison as a future client without it looking like we’re being mean — we’re really not! We just like the joke of Chris Harrison as the anti-“Westworld” AI becoming more and more inhuman as the show goes along.
Location – Tampa, Florida. There are a LOT of “Bachelor” contestants form Florida. Just look over the past few years. We can name Tara, Renee, and Nick’s recent ex Jen off of the top of our head, but we know that there are probably dozens more if we spent a minute actually digging round. We figure being snarky here is probably a much better use of our time than researching extensively “Bachelor” women from Florida.
Things to know – If she could be any animal, she says that she would be a “dolphin” — JUST LIKE ANGELA! Also, ALEXIS WANTS TO BE A DOLPHIN TRAINER! Is Alexis going to be the secret cult leader of all the women this season, speaking to them in dolphin so that they all do her bidding? Why do so many people love dolphins this season? Did they all grow up being force-fed reruns of “Flipper”? At least it makes some sense for Astrid given that she lives near the ocean, and the weather’s warm enough that she would actually want to visit said ocean.
Astrid is also the second of our three contestants to list “Titanic” as a favorite movie, and also to mention the Little Mermaid, which we guess is the closest thing a human being can get to being a dolphin while still being a human being. Maybe this season of “The Bachelor” will be a secret audition for an upcoming live-action version of the animated movie that is probably inevitable when you think about how they are milking every other franchise out there.
Interestingly, Astrid doesn’t like horses — don’t know why we find that interesting, but we do.
Random ABC product placement interjection – We have a feeling that ABC condenses these bios for the internet and every woman answers the same questions during the application process. Therefore, very convenient that they left up the part about Astrid liking Olivia Pope from “Scandal,” right? “Scandal,” coming back to ABC next month!
How is she actually going to do? – Probably not very well. This is not a good bio at all. Once again, maybe ABC cropped out all of the good parts, but the only thing in here that has anything to do with romance is that she’s afraid of dying alone, which doesn’t always mean that you’re making the right decisions when picking relationship partners.
If you want to win us over before the start of the season, here’s some advice: Be funny, show personality, but also take the bio seriously enough so that we know what you’re looking for and why you want to fall in love. Try to give us the illusion of fairy-tales and imagine that your life is like “The Little Mermaid” whereas all of the other women are Ursula and Chris Harrison is King Triton. Give us SOMETHING to craft a romantic narrative! We don’t know Astrid well at all after reading this bio; we did find a picture of her at a gun range on her Instagram, which is somewhat terrifying but far more interesting than being a clone of the other two women we’ve discussed so far.
If interested, head over here to get some other news when it comes to “The Bachelor”! We’re going to keep these spotlights coming on a daily basis. (Photo: ABC.)