‘The Bachelor’ premiere review: Ashley Palenkas and 50 Shades of Sean Lowe

“The Bachelor” is here! The first night is almost always like watching a Black Friday sale at Best Buy, and Sean is that last remaining TV that everyone wants. It’s hard to keep track of everything that happens, and by the time it’s over you feel dizzy and occasionally traumatized.

Therefore, we’re going to do things a little bit different with this review than we have in the past; rather than go chronologically through every tiny event that happens (mostly because we would just be talking about Sean taking out his shirt or that awkward conversation with Arie Luyendyk Jr. … which we are trying to pretend never happened). Instead, we’re going to frame things in terms of the our first impressions of the people who really matter this season: the women. Of course, there were a good many of them that were too drunk to really do much of anything.

Women who received roses early

Tierra – She loves Jesus! She clearly was into Sean before the two even met, and she also has the honor of receiving the first rose of the entire season … and she also received it earlier than pretty much anyone in “Bachelor” history. Sean, over the course, of the night, basically becomes “Bachelor” Oprah. Of course, only on “The Bachelor” could there be an argument over whether or not this is a First Impression Rose, or just the first rose of the evening.

Desiree – We actually picked her to be Sean’s top contender before the premiere, and this episode gave us further reason to support her. She seems funny, smart, and certainly knows the bridal industry well. Plus, the rose matched her dress!

Robyn – She was one of our picks to go far, and we’re not so sure to her chances now after seeing her wandering around with sticky notes all over the house … she’s almost like a reincarnated Zooey Deschanel. She even did a dance coming out of the limo, and wiped out terribly.

Jackie – She left a massive mark of lipstick on Sean’s cheek after she came out of the limo, and that is literally all we know about her right now.

Selma – Okay, this had to be a plant that producers gave her the tissue to wipe off Jackie’s kiss. That is, unless she randomly carries tissues in her cleavage.

AshLee F. – She was the first person to meet Sean, and she’s also got a sweet story: she was adopted at an early age, brought up in the church (something that he is pretty sure that he likes), and has an interesting story to tell.

Leslie – She seems very nice, but she’s yet another one that we know next to nothing about at the moment.

Sarah – We have to be honest here in that this was a risky cast for producers. They didn’t want to make into a sympathy story, but she was luckily warm and positive enough that it was hard to even remotely see her as someone to feel sorry for. Plus, she had a nice connection to Sean.

Catherine – We really liked Catherine, mostly because she seemed completely and totally genuine. We didn’t see a ton of her, but she was funny, energetic, and different from what we’re used to seeing.

Brooke – She almost looks like a character off of “Mad Men,” and it’s a cool vibe that we don’t see much of anymore. Sadly, we don’t know much about her personality to go along with it.

Katie – We didn’t really dig her “look ma, no shoes!” attitude, but Sean apparently had no problem with it. After all, she’s still there.

Diana – A single mom to two kids who disappeared after the limos arrived.

Women who received roses at the rose ceremony

Amanda – She had an awkward greeting with Sean intentionally, and that was all we saw of her.

Lesley – Random thought: if it was a guy who pulled the same stunt on a female “Bachelor,” they would probably be called a perv and sent home right away. She instead came across well, and got a rose.

Kacie – Remember her from Ben’s season? She’s back, and luckily there were no “who is she?” moments from the other ladies like they were about to rip her head off.

Kristy P. – She’s totally the Courtney Robertson of this season: a model who is a little too confident.

Daniella – She and Sean had a secret handshake … and that’s it.

Taryn – We always like it when there is one person who’s never really watched the show, mostly because it keeps things fresh. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem like things were going great for her for most of the night since she didn’t really get to talk to him, and she also broke down in tears at one point.

Lindsay – You know, this wedding dress entrance could have been incredibly creepy with another person; but this was obviously a joke, and Sean’s hilarious response to her saying she had “balls” was the highlight of the night. She got a little boozy, but was still put through.

Women who went home

Ashley H. – There was just something off about her and Sean right away, and to see her leave was no shock at all.

Lauren – An Italian restaurant worker, and we have no idea why she was sent home.

Keriann – The poor girl sounded sick, and she drove over 2,000 miles to meet Sean … but she didn’t get a rose right away for that. Then, she didn’t get a rose at all.

Ashley P. – Combine vampire girl Madison with Drunk Tim from Ashley Hebert’s season and you have this young woman, whose love for “50 Shades of Grey” is surpassed only by her love of alcohol.

Lacey – She gave Sean lace. That was it.

Paige – Ugh. Why was Paige even back? She wasn’t interesting on “Bachelor Pad,” and she came across just as desperate here. There was no way Sean wanted anything to do with that show.

Kelly – Kelly apparently thought that she was on “American Idol,” and wasted no time trying to sing to him. Yep, you are clearly hear for love and nothing else.

What did you think about the premiere, and who was your favorite “Bachelor” on the night? be sure to share your thoughts below, and you can check out some video highlights from this episode here.

Photo: ABC