‘The Glass House’ review: ‘Big Brother’ has nothing to worry about

Stone-throwing allowed.

If you want a good laugh, here is a snippet from the opening monologue of “The Glass House” Monday night.

“It’s the show that they didn’t want you to see.”

Wait, by “they,” did you mean CBS? This was sadly really the only time we laughed during a one-hour premiere that was pretty much the equivalent of someone picking up the leftover ideas from the “Big Brother” dung heap, sticking them on ABC, and then trying to brainwash us using the voice from “Portal” into thinking that this was entertainment. We really don’t have any idea what we just watched, but we do know that it was an epic disappointment. We don’t care about any of these people, and there was nothing really interesting or new about this show at all. Really, it just hyped us up for “Big Brother 14” even more.

The contestants all entered the mansion popping up in tubes like they were from the Running Man, and we had a chance to learn a little bit about some of the contestants.

Apollo Poetry – We’re all for poetry, but who in the world would give themselves this as a last name? Pretentious, no?

Jacob – Anyone who says “viewers are looking for someone like me” is typically not someone that viewers are looking for.

Jeffrey – We like him, mostly because he looks like one of the guys on “The Sarah Silverman Program.”

Stephanie – You’re a scientist. Why are you here?

Now, we’re going to try and do our absolute best to sum up the format for this uninspired show. Every week, there’s a challenge between two teams, and the losing team has both its captain and one other person, voted on by the entire house, to be up in “limbo” (otherwise known as being in danger of elimination). America then picks one of these people to send home. On this occasion, the teams were divided based on geographic region (West vs East) — and the team with Jacob as the captain lost. The challenge was fairly boring since it was a “getting to know you” type challenge, but we didn’t really know who anyone was talking about at this point. Where are the giant bananas or frankfurters for people to slide around on? If you’re going to rip off another show, you may as well go all of the way and throw Otev the singing Clam and the Zingbot in there.

The only standout character on the show here was Alex, but not for the right reasons. He pretty much has the dishonor of being one of the most unlikable human beings we’ve ever seen. He really has no intention of winning — he just wants to the be the most horrible person imaginable and get to be a star because of it. Note to Alex — when you get out of this “House,” you’ll find out a valuable lesson – not only does nobody like you, but very few people like your show. To make matters worse for you, you’re now in limbo! Will America save this guy? It only depends on how further they want to send this show into trainwreck territory. The biggest shocker? Jacob quit the show, and now it is up to America to determine whether or not they want to suffer through more Alex.

As passionate of a “Big Brother” fan as we are, we wanted to genuinely give “The Glass House” a chance as an alternate source of cabin fever-related entertainment. This could have been something great, but instead it just felt like something cheap. It was boring at times, uninspired, and they were right to say that they were nothing like “Big Brother” since CBS actually has good ideas and ABC has missed the mark. We’d rather see a new concept fail than something that is a complete copy be mediocre. Even in spite of our (obviously) strong opinion here, we’re still going to be back next week to see where this disaster goes next. Mostly, it’s just because we want to see Alex publicly humiliated.

What did you think about this show, and will you watch again? Be sure to answer in the poll below!

Photo: ABC

 

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