‘Take Me Out’ review: Cheese and plenty of hams

Who wants some canned commentary?

The moment George Lopez was introduced as the “Lord of the Wedding Rings,” we knew that there would be some trouble with “Take Me Out.” It’s more scripted than an episode of “Grey’s Anatomy,” and you can feel the audience studying the teleprompter every time they scream something in unison.

Before we even get to mocking analyzing the contestants, let’s begin by saying that Mindy — the skinny girl with the pink dress and the high-pitched voice — may be the craziest person on this entire show. She needs to have one of these cheesy introduction packages before the guys decide if they want to date her so they know what they are getting themselves into. (It should also be a requirement that every beefy male suitor has to hear her monkey impression.)

Jesse – Our reaction to him — “Who wants to date J.R. Ewing? Even if you do, “Dallas” is back on the air!” The fact that this guy is a complete and total cowboy stereotype makes us push our imaginary buzzer on him. Don’t you want some surprises when it comes to dating?

The main thing that we were rather confused about here was that he suddenly only got two rounds … when just about everyone in the pilot got three. Did they want to ensure that these guys actually ended up with someone? Jesse picked a brunette named Deborah, and they rode off into the sunset.

Johnny – On paper, Johnny was the perfect guy. He was good-looking, athletic, and knows how to dance. The problem? He’s also a cheapskate who trains eight hours a day and literally sleeps in the gym.

Some of these guys have to be plants. Seriously, who actually sleeps in a gym? It was almost like Lopez (or G.Lo, if you will) wanted to teach these girls a lesson about being superficial – lesson not learned, no one picked him.

Guy with unpronounceable Greek name – We don’t want to end up misspelling this guy’s name, so we are really not even going to bother trying. We’ll instead try to sum him up by talking about his story. He’s a former investor who left Wall Street to write children’s books, and has a giant family that is “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” 2.0. but does he have a longer shelf life than that ridiculous TV show that came from the movie?

This guy may be short enough to make Snooki look tall, but he had a great personality — and lucky for him (and the women), he doesn’t sleep in a gym. He actually had a number of ladies who were interested in him. As a matter of fact, the two ladies remaining at the end pretty much offered him up some X-rated mental pictures to land a date with him. The woman he picked was ironically Courtni — who had only joined the panel after the last date, but was the perfect height for him.

Dave – We are pretty sure that he was the Greek guy before who just put on a different shirt and came back out, until his video aired and now we are convinced that Dave is secretly Steve Carell’s long lost brother. The way he was promoting his magical pink box, we thought that maybe he thought he was on “Shark Tank” rather than a show about dating.

He talked over and over about wanting to help deaf children, but how can someone so charitable be so cocky? He was actually the most-irritating guy of the night … and he gave the woman he picked a medal. Since when is getting a guy on a cheesy reality show the Olympics?

Oh, and now we turn to some of the ridiculous dates that the men from last week went on at George Lopez’s house the “Take Me Out” Resort.

Date update #1 – Remember Alan from last week? He’s back with a date that Patti Stanger would scream about. They took off their clothes and got a massage … despite him saying that he wants to see save himself for marriage.

Date update #2 – John struck out … completely. Mr. “I’m a grow man with two-toned hair” tried to get too intimate on the first date by practically attacking his date in a vineyard, and he could never recover from it.

As you can see, this is summer TV at its best and worst — it’s fun to mock, hard to take seriously, and it goes down good with cheap snacks and a bottle of wine. Just don’t eat any cheese — George already has that covered.

Photo: Fox

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