‘Survivor: Cagayan’ premiere review: Where you can dump rice and still play the game

“Survivor: Cagayan” is a hot mess. A very fun hot mess, but a mess nonetheless. Over the course of the two-hour premiere, we saw some people who seem to be pretty good players, some people who seem to be pretty clueless about the game, and then some people who are so horrible that they defy the rules of logic.

Here is how we will choose to sum up the Brains tribe. They all collectively went into this game thinking that they could be the next Cochran and completely dominate the strategic angle, so they all want to make “big moves” that get themselves on TV. Thanks to that, they all look like they are clowns stuck in a clown car while the rest of the circus laughs at them.This tribe is so dysfunctional, it makes Matsing long like an effective group. At least they tried to keep their tribe strong rather than getting rid of an Iron Man competitor (who sadly not actually Iron Man) and also a guy who was built like a truck.

Let’s start with the David boot, since that one was a little bit more understandable. David made the huge blunder of deciding that he was going to label Garrett the weakest person on his tribe, and therefore paint a huge target on his back from the get-go. There was absolutely zero benefit to him doing this. There’s no way the show is starting off with 15 players, so he knew there had to be a twist. Let’s look at the possibilities here.

1. Garrett is sent to another tribe, and you’ve given the Brawn or the Beauty another warrior.

2. Garrett stays, and gets some sort of added benefit … and he did. He got an idol!

David is probably going to be teased by the Miami Marlins the rest of the time that he’s with them … and the Marlins already have enough problems.

Now, let’s move to the truly insane. You have someone on your tribe who DUMPS OUT YOUR RICE, and you still keep her. This is how terrible Garrett, who supposedly studied hours and hours of strategy, was at this game. He tried to do a Boston Rob move and not allow anyone to go off on their own, but here’s the thing: You’re not Boston Rob, and these people are not mindless zombies. Granted, Spencer may be the only one of them who is a decent player, and we say this as someone who picked Tasha to win the show beforehand.

We understand in a sense the logic of getting rid of Garrett in that he was completely commandeering the tribe. But, you couldn’t do it when your backs were against the wall, and you have J’Tia on your tribe causing chaos. Ladies and gentlemen, our nuclear engineer threw a fit and destroyed the food when she wasn’t getting her way. She was only a step above Brandon Hantz, and yet she’s still in the game thanks mostly to Garrett shooting himself in the foot. J’Tia may be one of the worst players to ever be on this show, but she could stay a while just thanks to the sheer ineptness of most of the people around her.

Yes, we’ve spent forever talking about the Brains, but the other two tribes seem to be a little more competent. The Beauty are being set up like it’s Brice, Jeremiah, and Morgan (which an immunity idol clue, but no idol) strong, and the Brawn are mostly worshiping Cliff Robinson … except Tony. Tony’s building a spy shack and finding an immunity idol. One of thees is very smart, whereas the other is the most ridiculous thing that we’ve ever heard. This guy could survive a while, but if he does, he’s taking down the tribe with him.

What a crazy mess of a premiere this was, and we’re pleased to say that we enjoyed almost every second of it. While the entire season will be terrible if there is this much bad strategy all the time, but sometimes, we don’t need good players up the wazoo to enjoy an episode. We loved the heck out of this trainwreck. Grade: A.

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